Hallelujah 'Remus, is that you '
by ValarieVandal
Summary: I do not own /unfortunately/ any of the Harry Potter characters. Or the song. Darnit


Remus Lupin sat down at a piano in the music hall at Hogwarts School. He thought no one was watching. He played a few keys, which turned into a tune, which turned into a beautiful ballad. It was only Fifth year for him at Hogwarts, but he was just starting to truly feel his differences. Sure, the others had turned into animagus, but it just wasn't the same. They had the choice of when they were to turn into their forms. His wasn't optional. It wasn't even a problem anymore. It was more of a curse. And it was beginning to control him. He hummed a few cords. Then he played them on the keys, which seemed to make the room spin to life.

_I heard there was a secret chord  
that David played and it pleased the lord.  
But you don't really care for music, do you?_

He was thinking back to the times when he was just a normal little kid. It was hardly memorable, since he had been so young, and his 'normal' years were seldom. He was only a little tyke when the…werewolf…bit him. The word is still hard for him to say, even though it has been so many years. _Fenrir Greyback: _The werewolf that bit him. He still broke down when he heard that name. Shivers still went up and down his spine.

_Well it goes like this: the fourth, the fifth. _

_  
The minor fall and the major lift,_

_  
the baffled king composing hallelujah._

It was painful more than anything for him to transform. He would desperately dread those nights where the night sky would be so filled with moonlight; you could think it was day. Those were the nights of the full moons. The nights he… turned. He would pray with all his heart that by some strange, impossible chance, that someday there would be a full moon and that he would be Remus. Not…a werewolf. That moon controlled his life. That's where he got his nickname, you know, Moony.

_Well your faith was strong but you needed proof _

_  
You saw her bathing on the roof_

_  
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you _

Anyway, he got up from the piano, tears filling his eyes. It was late – past curfew. Then, he saw a girl. She was beautiful – dark eyes, curly brown hair. He stopped dead in his tracks. He was entranced by her beauty.

_  
She tied you to her kitchen chair. _

_  
She broke your throne and she cut your hair – _

_  
and from your lips she drew the hallelujah_

His parents tried everything to _fix_ him. That's what he always thought of it as. They were trying to _fix_ him. He even thought sometimes that … that they loved him less didn't want to be as close to him as they did before. He knew that he couldn't fall in love. He didn't want to hurt anybody like he thought he hurt his parents. He had solemnly sworn to not fall in love. He wouldn't dare break a promise he made to his friends – _no_ – to his family.

_Baby I've been here before._

_  
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor. _

_  
I used to live alone before I knew you._

The girl shot him a glace and a smile. Then, she turned around and walked away. She glided, flew more than walked. Remus wasn't sure if she was real or if she was a ghost – a dream. Either way, he knew one thing. James would have had the bravery and the looks to go up to her and talked to her. Sirius would have had the moves. Peter might have had the quirkiness. But –as he felt – he was just…Remus. The brainy nerd, the teacher's pet, the 'how did he get in the Marauders?' guy. He was always living in James' and Sirius's shadows. He knew he probably didn't deserve to be in the group. He wasn't cool. He wasn't good looking. He wasn't suave or worth a dime to what the others were. He'd tried to end it all, too. Many times.

_I've seen your flag on the marble arch,_

_  
But love is not a victory march. _

_  
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah._

Many times, Remus had been in his room, all alone. He had thought of all of the damage he could do – the damage he would do – the damage he had done. Millions of thoughts had raced through his head about all of the horrid things that he knew deep down weren't true, but he couldn't help thinking. He didn't want to, but he did. He had cried too many un-needed tears. He had thought too many frightening thoughts. He had pulled his wand to his own head – the night before the moon – too many times. He had thought of that spell – it had been on the tip of his tongue, just waiting to jump out. Those times were dark – they are still dark. Never would he want to feel those feelings – never again.

_Well there was a time when you let me know,_

_  
What's really going on below._

_  
But now you never show that to me, do you?_

His friends never used to question him. They always were able to read him like a book. He was always very obvious – very open. The openness stopped. It stopped abruptly, because he was keeping secrets. He kept secrets from his best friends, he kept them from his family, and he kept them from himself. He sometimes didn't know who he was. One day he was a happy-go-lucky Remus, the next, he was a dark, mischievous miscreant who hid in his room. He knew that he always had _potential_. That's what 'mum' and 'pop' had always told him.

"You are a smart boy, Remie. You always can do things that other's do, _even with your problem_."

That's what he hated. Everything that he did right was:

"You did great, Remus! And you did it all with _your problem_!"

Or it was:

"You didn't let _your problem_ discourage you!"

Sirius called it his 'furry little problem.' Sure. It was for laughs, he could understand that. But like he had most recently discovered, it was a curse. And it did discourage him. And it was hard to get through those things, worrying that he could make something one day, and destroy it all one night. He hated that with all the passion that was in him.

_But remember when I moved in you, _

_  
And the holy dove was moving too?_

_  
And every breath we drew was hallelujah?_

He breathed. That's how he got over everything. He breathed, and he cried. But he wouldn't dare tell anybody that. It was hard enough keeping his one secret. He would never tell his friends – especially Sirius – about crying. Sirius was one of his best friends, but everything was a _joke_ to him. He hated that about him. He also was always put under James when it came to best friends. It was vice versa when it came to James with Sirius. Remus always had the hardest choice between James and Sirius. They never seemed to even consider him. Remus always had a funny feeling about Peter. His animagus was a _rat _for God's sake.

One thing Remus had always dreamt about was his future. He had always hoped that he would do something memorable. That was one thing that kept Remus going. He always thought, that maybe, when he died, it would change a life - help someone maybe. Not by his own foolish wrongdoing. He still couldn't silence those thoughts. He tried to push them away, but it didn't always work. He would still sometimes get that flash of darkness coming over him, like some wave of fear combined with anger. Why did Fenrir bite _him_? His father was the one that insulted him. Remus broke things, knocked things over, and then broke down. Remus thought about these times, but just kept walking down the hall.

_It's not a cry that you hear at night._

_  
It's not somebody who's seen the light –_

_  
It's a cold and it's a broken hallelujah!_

He walked down the hallways. He saw the window. It was midnight – or just about – and…it was light out. He ran down the halls, through all of the ghosts, straight to the doors. He ran as fast as he could to the Whomping Willow, but it was not fast enough. He could feel the changes. His legs were growing, his figure was changing shape. His nose was getting longer; hair grew on his hands and feet, on his face, and stomach. His teeth were getting sharper; his eyes could see more, but less color. There it was: the darkness. The dark feeling he feared before, currently, and will forever fear. Then, the final change. The world spun, he got down on all fours. A howl echoed through Hogwarts' grounds.

_Hallelujah…_


End file.
